Zombie

Growing up,

Waking up,

Standing up,

Just living, not alive.

Day by day, I don't feel good. Wait. I always feel not good. I made mistakes. A lot. Being a slow learner is not something that I'm proud of. Felt smaller day by day. I had too many expectations and high hopes for the future for myself. Yet, here I am feeling dumb, dumber, and dumbest.

I'm scared.

With people

Future

Times

Expectations

Thoughts

I guess I'm not that important to anyone. Everyone.

I guess being alone is just my fate. 

Internship

At first, it was nice. I've learned a lot. People were being nice to me. Even though I was being a little awkward and I was being so shy and quiet. But I have to go through this. It is only three and a half months. So, I have to be strong and slowly adapt to the new environment, surroundings, routine, and people around me.

I went through a lot of hardships. I'm struggling with myself. Struggling with my anxieties and emotions. I feel really bad for being myself. I hurt people. I annoyed people. I'm not a good person. I was not being good enough. I'm too dumb to handle. I'm a slow learner. I can't communicate with people. I made a lot of mistakes. People hate me. Little did I know.

I don't deserve to be treated like this. Can y'all just treat me as a human being? I have feelings. I have emotions. I have thoughts. I have everything like normal people have. Why is it so hard for you guys to treat me nicely?

Confuse

I’m in confusion. I’m confused with myself. But, I don’t even know what I’m confused about.

I’m questioning with myself.

What do I want in my life?
What I want to be?
What have I done with my life?
What should I do?
Why am I here?
Where should I go?
Did the people around me are comfortable with me?
Who is with me now? I mean in person.
Do I have a friend?
If yes, where did they go?
If no, is it my faith that I’m always alone?
Why I have to be like this?
Why?

I feel like they don’t even want me around.
They didn’t need me anymore.
I’m troublesome people around me.
I didn’t want to.
I don’t mean it.
I’m sorry.

I make mistakes.
A huge mistakes
I hurt people.
With my own tongue.
With my own words.
I’m sorry.
I don’t mean it.

Why am I alive?
I bother people just by being alive.
Just realize that I’m so stupid.
I’m sorry for being alive.
I’m sorry I didn’t realize that earlier.
I should have.
I’m so sorry.

I’m going to avoid myself with people as possible as I can.
I will.

-Nectar-

#1 2020

In the first day of the year,

I wish this year is going to be my year.
A year of happiness,
A year of love,
A year of learning,
A year of myself.

But,
I was wrong.
For the past three months,
I’m already felt exhausted.
I’m already felt sad.
I made a lot of mistakes.
I ruined a lot of plans.
I felt guilty with so many peoples.
I failed myself,
With doing nothing.

I want to fix it.

But,
Before I could start.
They left me.
Without say a word.

Then,
How I’m going to fix it?
I think I should’ve gone.
So, people will not be worried whenever I’m around anymore.
People are not going to think about my mistakes anymore.

-Nectar-

Myself

About me

I’m an introvert person.

I don’t usually talk a lot to the people that I don’t really close to.

Please don’t call me ‘shy’ or ‘antisocial’.

I’m very picky with whom I give energy to.

Introverts listen more than they talk.

For me, better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I am alone but not lonely.

Please don't change yourself just to fit in the society's expectations.

Embrace yourself. Love yourself. Appreciate yourself.

-Nectar-